As I read over the posts of my friends, I wonder, "Are we all in a place of confusion or sadness?" I told you I would tell you the hard part. Today, my friends is that day. It is not simply because I haven't posted in a while. Today brought a climax (one of several I am sure) to my loneliness and comfort as well. After talking with a good friend, who let me vent via AIM, I sat down to read my Bible for the day. When I was about to end, something made me to continue. Here is what I read.
Psalm 84
5Happy are those who are strong in the Lord,
who set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
6When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs,
where pools of blessing collect after the rains!
7They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
I thought to myself, wow, how can He know so much what I need to hear. Not only does He comfort me with the kind words of my friend, but also His word.
Now the Valley of Weeping is a real place, but I think that it is a place that we all come to just not physically.
I know that the Lord has lead me here. I am not quite sure why sometimes, but He has. I love my job, perhaps that is one small part of it. But the non-job stuff is hard. Really hard sometimes.
Today, I think I was more homesick than I have ever been. This is incredibly strange since I have traveled half way across the world more than once. I have spent summers in other states and months away from people I love. I spent Christmas, New Years, and my birthday in Japan. But, I always come back. Today is Mother's Day and Friday was my dad's birthday. For years of the combination of end of school finals and end of school lack of funds, my presence has been the present for both of those days. But this year its not. It can't be. And that stinks, because as much as I would like to send my parents a great gift so show how much I love them, I really would rather give them a hug and tell them I do. The realization of living hundreds of miles away from home, is hitting home.
This is punctuated by the fact that I haven't really made friends yet. I am way blessed by my family here. My aunt and uncle are great and a lot of fun to hang out with. I even feel comfortable sharing what is bothering me or what is going through my head and that is great. My cousin has been great since she has been back from school as well. She and her boyfriend invite me to come along with their friends. They have even been so kind to say something about me needing to get to know more of their friends so that I am in the loop. Blessed. But they are still their friends at this point.
I haven't found a church yet. One could say part of this is that I haven't tried very hard. That is true. There are some Sundays that I have stayed in my bed or sat in a restaurant eating breakfast with my family. But, really, that is one of the places where I feel the most alone. I never really knew the real feeling of being the new kid in the church. When I started going to Zion, I went with a friend and her family. I actually eased my way in by going to youth stuff first, then going to church. Then when I went to Parkview, it was kind of like everyone went there. And as a freshman, everyone is new, and every one knows that your new. And in both of these situations I had a buddy. I kind of lack the buddy here. I have learned very quickly that I am drastically more outgoing when I know that there is some one there that still loves me, even though I might put myself out in front of all of these other new people.
So I think that is it. That is the hard part. The real life part. But that is not the end of Psalm 84 and agree with me or not, I think it just gets better:
11 For the Lord God is our light and protector.
He gives us grace and glory.
No good thing will the Lord withhold form those who do what is right.
12 Oh Lord Almighty,
happy are those who trust in you.
So yeah, its hard. And, sometimes I cry. And I miss home. BUT, the Lord is my light and protector, and friend. And He gives me grace. And friends are good things and He says He will not withhold any good thing. I will trust Him.
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7 comments:
holly as i read your blog entry i thought- that is kind of how we should feel all the time- often times we get so comfortable- we think this earth is our HOME- when it really isn't.. we should long for our eternal home. and when I/you are lonely, sad, confused it does make us long for a our heavenly home doesn't it!
it's such a season of life- i remember those days after college going to texas it was so stinkin hard- but those were some of the closest times that i was to Jesus- it was awesome looking back! and plus our buddy drew was there!
praying for you holly
love ya
Thanks for sharing Holly. I am glad you were honest. Sometimes being honest isn't the prettiest thing in the world, we think, but if you could see what I see when I read your words and talk to you, you would see a beautiful woman who earnestly seeks God's face. You are amazing and God is good to draw you into the wilderness where He can speak into your heart.
This book I am reading, "The Beginning Guide to the Gift of Prophecy" talks about "time in the desert"... it says this, "Moses, David, John the Baptist, and Jesus all had significant training time in the desert...Welcome the desert. It means the gift oh humility is being imparted and that promotion or restoration is on the way." So you are both literally in the desert and perhaps spiritually.
And I feel like, because I sit in my own desert, that I can tell you this genuinely, "Holly, embrace your time. Soon you will have friends and busyness...embrace this time with Jesus."
I love you.
I have no wisdom to speak of.
But my friend John lives in Pheonix right now, I wonder if he could hook you up with a sweet church. Well, last I heard the church he went to didn't have too many young people. But hey, you could go there just to go with John. He's a professional baseball player, and who turns that down?
I have learned something pretty cool about that verse you mentioned. I'll have to email you though - shoot me an email an I'll put it into words as best I can...
it might just be helpful. It's been great for me, b/c this has been a season of loneliness and isolation for me too. Marriage does not fix that! :) I'm learning...
some profound things! hang in there...i'll be praying. and we do miss you back here, btw.
BORING!! Post something fun! I'm bored of reading this same one... post something interesting.
Tell us about the handsome doctor who is trying to convince you to run away with him to san padre island or better yet to run away and open up a free clinic for African people. Tell us about when he traps you in a dark corner and begs for your hand in marriage because your beautiful dark (or is it blond?) hair has captured his eyes and he cannot help but notice how you also have this twinkle in your eye. He guesses and is correct, you are a believer and lo and behold, this daring young handsome and ruddy (what the crap does that mean anyway) man is also a god-fearing man (gasp, they ARE out there) wants to take you to the nearest 24 hour chapel where he can wed you and take you home to be the object of his affection for the rest of his life...
and you think your life is boring!
we're all confused about why you haven't posted in so long, that's for sure...
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